nevermind. i'm too tired.
bye.
whether or not they actually matter.
like the fact that my sister's and my friend, Alexa, gave me a whole 300g package of mochi for free, just because i was at Yogurt Works and complained that they didn't have mochi that day. She was like "yeah we actually have a ton in the back, want some?" and i couldn't decline such an offer, but did not expect an entire package! /gasp
well yeah that was pretty uninsightful
So paul does this thing where he dgafs, like... he worships the concept outloud. He brags about reaching new levels of dgaf and whatever. I honestly think it's stupid, because he's one of those people like everyone else who has some problems and some pain on the inside, but instead of addressing anything, he thinks not giving a fuck is going to make him feel better, or make the problems go away, or put him above the universal human dilemma of emotional strain.
Riddle me this, batman: Why are still so fucking emo all the time if you really dgaf?
So much for that bullshit.
Just today he told me he was going back to the "old ways" when he really didn't give a fuck...
The funny thing is he's been saying that for the past year. Either he still hasn't followed through, or he has and the "old ways" are EXACTLY THE SAME.
If someone truly didn't give a fuck, wouldn't they be so indifferent to things that they wouldn't feel the need to actively make a point of not giving a fuck all the goddamn time?
anyway....
good day at camp. i absolutely love it.
i'll keep on posting regularly because i like doing it and don't need a better reason.
- Mood:
high off my ass
Guys have that and serial killers have that... "the one that got away"
An amusing quote from Funny People (not a movie worth watching. the previews have the only funny parts)
I don't like having that regret. I remember back in the day when becca pushed me to go out with jesse because she didn't want me to miss out on the potential. I don't regret that. I probably would have if i didn't go out with him.
Well i guess this is less to regret because i never really had a chance, but i'm sad that after liking ryan on and off for a full two years, i never even told him. Not much point now since he's essentially avoiding relationships and i'm leaving in 2 weeks, but, more than a lot of things, i really regret not even trying.
I just don't like wondering what would have happened. Probably nothing... but damn, 2 years is just too long to like someone and not do anything about it.
And i try to not like him anymore because it's absolutely pointless, but sometimes he just crawls his way in.
I probably only feel that way because i'm so regretful that i didn't like him when he supposedly almost-liked me in early sophomore year.
Oh convoluted emotions! How deceptive and irrational you are....
Meanwhile, i'm getting more space from my most recent complication. He seems to be doing fine, but he still feels the need to hug me for 10 minutes whenever i leave.
That reminds me how amazing of a hugger nils is. There's another regret... i wish i'd become closer friends with him years ago, because he's sooooo awesome. I get this feeling that I'll be instant messaging him a lot during the school year.
I'm dreadfully bad at making pie, as my mother oh-so optimistically predicted, and as kevin and our friends all witnessed.
I need to go fill out girl scout paper work so i can wake up at 6:30 every morning this week and go volunteer at girl scout camp with my sister... except she gets paid...
I get home around 4, i think, so i'll have time to chizzle with y'alls.
Yeah...
So beyond the mundane events and regrets in my life, things have been average... it's full of the usual urge to fill in every second of summer with happiness and joy, resulting in me being sad and painfully stressed; crying unpredictably, fearing no one will miss me, feeling like i'm throwing my life away for college, etc.
Good stuff... i guess...
can't wait for beach camping.
- Mood:
eh...
I'm gonna be fucking gone in 20 days.
It's this point in time when i'm so busy trying to cram everything in that it's time for my "amazing" friends to make sure that they spend a few days with me or have a few good conversations with me, but i guess some of them don't even care. They don't even care when i'm the one that tries to arrange something.
Just fucking pisses me off.
It's like 2 fucking years don't make a fucking difference in the end. Way to pull through, guys. Way to pull through.
I think i'm gonna spend my time with people that actually try. Friends that care - what a concept.
Thank you Becca, Tanya, Tess, Lina, Paul, Cassie, Efron/David and the D&D guys, and my girl scout girls - some of the only people that seem to feel like calling me up is worthwhile and not too much of a burden on their social lives.
everyone else can pretty much go fuck themselves since i'm apparently dead to them.
- Mood:
fuck you
Is there anything in your family that has been passed down from generation to generation, or from family member to family member? What is it? And who do you plan to pass it on to? Submitted By |
And no one. I'm not having biological children.
Anyway... it's very late and i should be asleep but i really felt like an lj entry was appropriate for my mood.
What is my mood? no idea.
I had a conflict earlier today and i managed to smooth it out quickly and i'm very happy about that. It's dreadful when it seems like everything about a situation is just falling to shreds and you've made a million mistakes and feel regret about everythin you've done... but it makes things seem even better when they patch up without any real side effects. I can't say i get that lucky every day.
I've been thinking about college and I think Efron was right... USC is a bunch of rich kids with alumnae parents and mansions in beverly hills. Ok maybe not that extreme, but unfortunatley i do feel like there's a bit of a culture gap. I'm not used to being one of the lower-income groups within a school or organization. And it's not the money itself that bothers me, it's simply the way these people live... it makes me uncomfortable how easy of a life I live... i fear I will be unbearably surrounded with spoiled brats, quite frankly.
And i know i'm making a ton of stereotypes and assumptions... but it's a legitimate concern of mine. I really, sincerely hope that I can do well in classes and have fun in college without the burden of these labels.
I learned my lesson, clearly.
I change for no one else.
I'm having a bad day. The improv show was the best PHHS one I've ever seen. Cassie and I had a blast talking about randomness and eating a five dollar pizza and going through techno music.
My sister pissed me off though, insulting my ability to drive when she's never even seen me drive before - when she's already gotten 2 speeding tickets - and chastising the fact that i drive friends illegally, even though she did it more than i ever have or will. Ugh. I was so insulted when she was talking to my dad about who was driving which car.
Now, bear in mind, I've driven the volvo for a long time. I drove it throughout almost my entire permit, and have driven it solo about 5 times or so.
My sister... I can't say she's ever driven the volvo...
So my dad tells her, "I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with you driving the volvo.."
"Well it's better than Emily. At least i'm a good driver. ...I mean, a more experienced driver..."
Blah blah blah.
Fuck you.
Duh.
Actually, some people are dumb enough to attract ANY attention to themselves, good or bad. For me, I'm fine with any attention that is entertaining (i have a sense of humor about myself and don't mind looking like a dumbass sometimes), or makes me look like the good person, or makes me look like the smart person.
Does that work? No, not really, but i try.
Sarah came home last night and I got to hang out with her today. We went to the swap meet cassie, then cassie and i walked around the beach when sarah hung out with her other friend at Ocean Beach. Very good conversation.
Love chill times like these. Like i've been saying, i can feel summer creeping in. =)
Paul hasn't talked to me since monday and he texted me at 4:30 while I was sleeping. He told me he had a weird dream and then asked if I liked Billy. I decided not to answer him and instead respond with surprise that he was talking to me. His only response was "Yeah it was a mistake" and I told him I figured (because I knew he wouldn't have talked to me if he didn't want information from me) and that I'd see him around.
I don't like Billy, by the way. I just flirt with him and acknowledge the fact that he's very good-looking.
I guess it was only too long before Paul and I got in another fight. We may have set a personal record for how long we went without this time. Haven't been on bad terms since like, the end of xmas break. That's 5 months right there. Pretty damn impressive for us.
Sticking with my previously made rhetoric, I'm not going to apologize, because I'm not sorry for play-slapping him and he's an oversensitive bitch for his reaction. Apologizing is weak anyway. He'd just take advantage of it.
I like people that apologize, personally. I also like people that accept apologies. I like people that judge based on intentions rather than actions. Actions deserve criticism, but not judgement.
I sense the word empathy coming up, but I'm running out of ways to re-state the same thing, so I'll save my readers the time.
Changing gears:
I started lighting candles. I don't quite know how to explain it, but the stereotypes and symbols behind it are all there. I do it every night and blow them out right before I fall asleep.
Changing gears again:
Listen to this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGJ8dY_Ic
And of course, I hope you all sleep and wake well. I'll go to sleep in a few hours when I'm finally tired. Napping for 5 hours really threw me off, haha.
<3
- Location:my beautiful room
- Music:Slowly Falling - The Frames
Well tonight was legit.
That's what time well spent /truly/ is. I felt so happy with talking to David and Josh and Kevin over the soft sound of alternative rock and TV commercials in a messy room on a crowded couch. Talking about farts and relationships and the past and the present. I'm very truly happy at the moment.
Truly happy.
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
I think about that quote a lot. I tend to judge myself based on it.... it frustrates me how often I fall under the small/average category.
Anyway... I don't have time to go very in-depth into anything right now. I'm struggling to stay on pace with art. I have to finish 3 pieces each day until it's all due. 2 more left today. GO GO GO!
I'm trying to do some soul-searching... for a room-mate. I found this girl who is considering being in the Trojan Hall dorms where I'll be(everyone wants to be in New or North tower > <) and she seems super cool. Everyone else is like ehh.. but I feel like I'd have a lot in common with her, so I hope she decides to go to Trojan, and I hope she doesn't find a different room mate first. I really don't wanna get stuck being put in the room mate lottery. I want someone I can relate to, at the very least.
- Location:green room
- Mood:
rushed
I'm going to have to immerse myself into a group of total strangers next year, and I won't know anyone at all.
I think it will work out well.. but they'll never be able to fill the spot my heart holds for all my SD friends. I'm worried I won't let anyone close to me, because they won't understand anything I say about home. You guys get all the references, all the stories and jokes... no one at USC will. So lame.
At least there will be hot guys.
And yes, Tanya, when you visit, I will make sure I have a few picked out to introduce to you.
Haha... I'm in much too good of a mood to feel pessimistic right now. Me preparing to fail the AP Art Exam? Psh. So what? =D
Much love, dears.
Deers.
Dire deers.
Dear dire deers.
Yes. I love it! Bwahahahahahahahaahahahha
- Location:mommy's bed
- Mood:
bwahahah - Music:bwahahaha
*COUGH*WHORE*COUGH
...is my favorite joke that relates to a mall... Lina gets it. Chris might recall the story being told.
Anyhow, I'm excited to help introduce Cassie to the world of flirting (as opposed to being awkward and as opposed to just being a bitch and scaring people away), which may or may not actually happen tomorrow, but that's the intent. Paul volunteered to join us on our mall escapade =) There's no goal so far other than to just flirt with cashiers randomly.
Although I have to admit, it probably won't be extremely effective, considering that flirting is something that comes naturally after an extended period of time under the right conditions. We're just gonna fuck around with the concept for an hour or two simply because I can if I want to! I was happy to see that she was enthusiastic about the idea, actually. I like seeing my little sister peeping out of her usual comfort zone, the same way my older sister used to like seeing me doing the same.
And of course if there is any success, I get to feel good about myself for encouraging her to be a whore. My life goal is to make Cassie a whore, you know. Not really. I told her to wear her sexy black polka-dotted sleeveless shirt. It's so sexy. I bet it'll look a million times better on her than it did on me, and I thought it looked pretty good on me.
I haven't decided if I'm interested in flirting too.... It could be fun, but I dunno if I'm feelin it right now. If (for some reason) Ian comes along, I'll be too preoccupied anyway.
Hah.... I get a good kick out of myself sometimes. If there was another me, I would give me so much shit for flirting with him. Oh well =)
Ironically, Jon has a new girlfriend before I've managed to hook up with anyone or get a new bf. (I don't want a boyfriend right now, fyi.) I'm not annoyed or jealous at this (me not jealous?! OMG when does that happen?!), but I do find it amusing, somewhat. Maybe he'll get someone that can tolerate him enough this time =) That would be good for him. (dgaf)
MUCH LOVE TO MY FRIENDS AND READERS!
<33333
I'll talk to you after 2:14 tomorrow =)
- Location:Mah room
- Mood:
wheee - Music:lalalala
Not really. Paul keeps telling me that I need to get drunk with him, just once before I go off to college. I think he's worried I'm gonna be off partying without him and he wants a taste before I leave. Lol.
I already decided I'm gonna stick with my promise to myself to never drink until I'm 21.
Aside from my hatred of the drinking culture, I think alcohol is disgusting tasting and I'm highly opposed to the health risks (kills brain cells, chance of alcohol poisoning, etc)
I think it's sorta funny that if I were to intoxicate myself, I would probably choose marijuana (the very illegal one) over alcohol (the only illegal under 21 one). I still wouldn't do either anytime soon, but I think I prefer the concept of smoking weed over the concept of getting drunk. Ooh... minus the grossness of having to inhale that shit. I wouldn't be too fond of that. Weed doesn't have any overdose problems though, which I think is very preferrable.
Anyway. It's been on my mind lately and I'm trying to be comfortable about it without being comfortable to the point of giving in and trying it. Gotta stay strong! The promise may not be backed by much, but I have every intention of keeping it, godamnit!
Ironically, I found my sister's bong recently. I find this highly amusing.
I wanna end each journal entry with irony or coincidence from now on. I enjoy doing so.
- Location:Up yo butt
- Music:At least i'm not as sad (as i used to be) - Fun.
both can be morally repremanded - depending on who you are.
yet both can be understandable - depending on who you are.
i'm battling it out in my head which might be considered "better" or "worse," considering variables like fakeness, chances of emotional hurt and conflict, and whatnot. i'm not getting anywhere really.
my livejournal friends (minus lina maybe) are some of my most "conservative" friends (not talking politics, of course) when it comes to things like relationships, mainly because they are some of the least superficial people i know, so i'm curious what your opinions are on one versus the other.
ironically Add It Up just came on, by the Violent Femmes. good song =)
you should listen to it, so you can get the irony.
- Location:bed
- Mood:
curious - Music:add it up - violent femmes
2) I hate how Cassie is going through the same thing I've gone through. She's not exactly 0% bodyfat, but boy does that girl have a wonderful body. Now she's off freaking out telling me "I learned that if you can pinch more than an inch then you're fat!" "Fat?" Who the fuck even decides what that means. Damn, I'm obese if she is fat. And of course she's not experienced and informed enough to do it right ("it" being losing weight or getting healthy, which aren't the same thing, but can coincide)... I wish people would do more research and less skipping meals. Which makes me feel like a hypocrit for all the times I've thought about doing unhealthy things like skipping meals, and bailing on the idea. I think my body secretly knows when my brain is plotting against it. Whenever I get crazy ideas like that, I suddenly get a cold before plans are implemented. I never do anything risky when I'm sick. My only goal as a sickling is to not be a sickling, which usually involves full meals. ... Yeah. Anyway. I've been working out and more trying to do things right, feeling guilty about my bad ideas because I know I would tell Cassie not to do them.
I like having a little sister, it keeps me in check sometimes.
3) New York! Whee. I think I've talked about it a little already so I'll keep it brief. Homework to do over the trip: math review, history reading, annotations on TEWWG, some artsy stuff. Don't want to get jet lag, so I'll lose a lot of HW time on the plane sleeping instead. Having difficulties figuring out how to act around my mom when friends are present. Hoping it won't be rude leaving my mom to hang out with friends. Rooming with April, Leila, and maybe Ashley, but I wish I could fit in with those other girls like Delaney, Danielle, and Julia. Oh well... I guess my social awkwardness comes back to haunt me. I wish it wasn't so. I hope Carl and Alejandro don't forget I exist. Especially Carl.
Geez I feel so superficial. I wanna fit in with the popular crowd. I want attention from boys. Me, me, me. I'm going to a fancy college, I'm smart enough to know this way to be healthy. No wonder it's so awkward for me in some situations, I really am pretentious and annoying with people I don't know.
I'm leaving for New York in 3 days, which is pretty crazy. I've never been before.
Part of me is really excited, it's supposed to be really fun. Getting out of school is a nice break, just being out in the world having a blast.... nice concept.
Part of me is more worried. It's going to be a lot of time spent not doing homework, so I'll have to try really hard to keep up. I don't have any friends in choir except Carl. I should have fun with Lila (if she's going), April and Ashley, I guess I'll room with them since they're the only ones that talk to me. I don't seem to fit in very well with the rest of the choir people... they all seem to be friends already from improv or previous years of bels. It's like middle school all over again > <
I also can't decide if my mom coming is going to be a great idea or something that will hinder my fun. She's so much fun to be around, but that's usually just when it's exclusively her and me. I don't do things with other kids and my mom... I have a bit of a personality crisis. I act completely different around my mom.
anyway....
hope things work out well.
- Location:Family Room
- Music:My Apologies - The Hush Sound
Today was really enjoyable. I got to watch my first lacross game ever, and I got to see one of the most amazing people I know score a goal and wear a miniskirt! I didn't even have to throw dollar bills at her for the latter. =D
I also had fun following around Ian's car and driving around with Cassie (though I think she would have rather been in Ian's car. Can't blame her.) My jealousy comes into play here - yes, I don't just get jealous over guys. Friendship is just as (or more) powerful, unfortunately.
I saw I Love You, Man, which is very funny and I recommend it.
I wish I could stay out as long as I want. After a while I would learn that after 11 isn't actually that much more interesting than normal time, and I would gladly go to bed at a reasonable hour. At the moment I'm really wanting what I can't have though, and that's the ability to stay out very late and just fly the night away. Whatever that means.
I'm really tired, ironically, and can barely keep my eyes open.
I'm in one of those moods where I wish random hot guys driving by would slow down and look at me so I can feel smug about myself and turn my nose up at them and roll my eyes like I'm better than that. Even though I'm not.
I'm clearly emotionally drained from my last relationship.
I'm back to how I was in October and November.... which only Lina and Tanya will potentially understand, because I didn't complain about it to many people other than them.
I tend to use strange and reversed syntax because I come up with something to say after I've said it (if that makes sense).... But that's off-topic.
G'night <3
i'm a very jealous person. i wish i could change that about me, but i can't help the pain and the anger that results from it.
- Location:kitchen
- Mood:
observational. - Music:nada.
"One year to make it whatever you want it to be. One more year of best friends."
So I'm laying here in my sister's bed listening to iTunes on shuffle and chatting against my parents' rules... this is how it's been for years, even if the rooms, the people, the music, and the rules have changed. I've been doing this same routine for so long. We've all been doing some sort of routine for time, I suppose.
I'm near tears.
...Which might not be much to say considering how easily I cry, but damn, that last sentence hits home.
This is my last year I'm going to have this physical closeness to my current friends. It seems like it should be just another transition, but this one feels so much bigger. I don't know how iIm gonna get through each day not seeing the people I've been seeing each day since 5th grade. It's like in R&G when they were talking about death... it's just an emptiness that starts to creep in on your mind as you realize that they're not just away, they're /gone/.
Even if conversation never ends, memories are hard to make 200 miles away. No more ice cream sleepovers with endless games of apples to apples. No more holding hands during movies. No more going on walks and frolicking on parks after playing crazy crazy on play structures. No more laughing about this thing and that thing that happened in class, because we'll be in different classes, and we'll be in different cities, and it'll feel like light years to me.
The hardest part isn't not being there... the hardest part is not being there and hearing about so much I'll miss out on. That last year that people tell me is the best, and probably is the best, is going to be a story told from other people, not something I get to experience myself.
USC better be really fucking great.
Because I love you.
- Location:Sister's bed
- Mood:
scared - Music:the decemberists
People used to text me and I'd call them back, and they wouldn't answer, pissed me off so much. Then they'd text me again confused... really?
anyway...
nothing to say today, so I'm not sure why I'm posting.
My homework has gone from super-intense on monday, to intense on tuesday, to pretty moderate/easy today. I tried doing some painting, but I find myself growing bored of what I've been doing. I need something exciting and inspiring... not just a picture or painting for the sake of a picture or painting. I have too many works-in-progress that I've stopped because I got bored. yup yup.
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